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Q My brother and I are hoping you can shed some light on this.
Our 89-year-old mother lives in an assisted living facility in Dane County. Although it is expensive, I think she is getting good care and this is the best option for her.
She has been there for the last six months and has made some friends, but mostly it is the care we were looking for, as there are no options for her to live with either of my two brothers or me and she can not live independently.
The issue is my older brother, who is her Power of Attorney for Health Care. He frequently asks the staff to do things for mom that she can do on her own. He feels she is paying for care and that means the staff should do everything for her. I think mom needs to continue to do things for herself that she can do — that this will give her some purpose. But, as the Power of Attorney, does he “hold the power” over everything related to mom’s care? (from a son in Portage)
A I love this question for many reasons. It allows me to explain how designations of Power of Attorney actually work and brings up communication styles.
First of all, the Power of Attorney for Health Care is the person chosen by your mother to make decisions related to her healthcare when she is no longer able to make them on her own or cannot communicate them.
In order for your brother to “hold the power” related to your mother’s care, the document needs to be activated. That means that two different doctors have to state that your mother is not able to make health care decisions on her own behalf.
Until the Power of Attorney is activated, your mom is her own person and can make her own decisions.
In my opinion, I agree that your mother should be allowed and encouraged to do as much for herself as she can. Self-care is an important part of our daily routine and we all know when we are able to make our own decisions and do things for ourselves, we feel better about our situations.
That brings up the second point: communication between siblings related to your mom’s care.
Are the decisions related to your mother’s care made with her input? It is great that family members are involved, and hopefully all of you are included in conversations about care and other items, but as I stated earlier, your mother is in charge of her own decisions.
She may defer to the rest of you but her feelings should be considered first.
Does your brother consult the remaining siblings when there are changes or questions? If not, you might approach him and let him know you and your brother are willing to be involved to help him. He may be feeling it is his job to respond to concerns. You might tell him he does not have to shoulder everything on his own; you and your brother want to help. That is a gentle way to let him know that he has some backup.
From an outsider’s viewpoint, it seems as though your parents did a good job raising your family.
Your compassion and concern are a blessing to your mother.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.