Dearest Readers,
I am sure we can all agree that advances in modern technology have made life easier for us senior citizens. For example, we can have hip replacement surgery this morning and compete on Dancing With The Stars tomorrow night.
Certainly, we would be lost without the magic assistance of the “Clap on, clap off — The CLAPPER!!” light switch. And who can deny that the invention of the Swiffer Ceiling Fan Blades Dusting Wand has prevented the loss of life and limb.
The thing is, as great as technology can be, it is not without its troubles.
Recently, we had to take out a second mortgage on our home to build a room addition for storing all the new small appliances received as gifts from loving friends and family who, recognizing our advancing years and retreating energy, sincerely believe one can never get too much of a good thing. Well, one can.
A few of the many modern marvels now collecting cobwebs at the Kelly’s: Asparagus steamer, banana slicer, electric meat-shredding claws, corn kernel stripper, electric wine opener, microwave s’mores maker, countertop pizza oven, snowcone maker, cookie dipper (I kid you not! It’s a device for dipping your Oreos in milk without getting your fingers wet!), corn dog maker, sandwich press, rice cooker, Ninja express chopper, air fryer, and a Blackstone 22-inch Steel Nonstick Surface Tabletop Griddle with CPA-approved Tax Preparer.
Maps
Be honest, dear Readers! Who among us has not ended up in Des Moines, Iowa, when attempting to get to a doctor’s appointment on the other side of Madison using Google Maps instead of our God-given common sense (and Rand McNally map)?
Need I say more? Okay, I will.
Last fall, there was a letter to the editor in the Wisconsin State Journal (perhaps you saw it?) complaining about the use of e-bikes on local bike trails because “most of those riders are elderly people who cannot control the heavier-than-average e-bikes.”
I AM THE PERSON TO WHOM THAT WRITER WAS REFERRING!!
When I first got my e-bike, I was thrilled! I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread until I encountered a very steep hill whose bottom was approaching MUCH too fast. The six stitches in my elbow healed rather quickly but I still worry about the squirrel I grazed on the way down who may have sustained permanent disfiguring injuries.
Where’s the button?
On Tuesday, Dave needed to drop his car off at the local Ford dealership for some service work, so he asked if I would follow about 10 minutes after him to give him a ride home in my car.
It’s important to note here that my car is a new car (the only other brand-new car I’ve ever had was my 1980 Chevy Citation). This Nissan Murano is so new that I haven’t had time yet to thoroughly study the 4,800-paged owners’ manual and, understandably, since the control panel is larger and more complicated than that of the space shuttle’s, I was a bit flustered as I pulled out of the driveway and it began to rain. It began to REALLY rain.
I pulled over. I had never had to use the wipers in this car before, but visibility without them was near zero. I tried to determine which the most logical lever might be. I discovered where the light switches are, the hazard flashers, the backseat dual climate controls, the sunroof opener (oops!), the phone controls — you get the idea. By the time I found the owners’ manual and was searching the table of contents, Dave called my cell to inquire, “Where the heck are you? It’s been 45 minutes!” Luckily, just then, the downpour changed to a mere drizzle so I was able to safely drive and retrieve my husband.
I must close now, dear Readers as I need to hurry and hitch up Ol’ Bessie to the buggy so I can drop this letter off at the Pony Express office before it gets dark.
May your May be filled with more warmth, later sunsets, and less technology.
Linda Kelly is a member of Blessed Sacrament Parish in Madison.