Q. My father lives with me. He has mid-stage Alzheimer’s disease and his care consumes my life.
My issue is this: At this time of year many of dad’s and mom’s friends and neighbors ask “how is your dad doing?”
That doesn’t seem like a bad question, but I really get tired of trying to answer it.
Do they really want to know that he does not recognize me or that he can no longer dress appropriately by himself?
I usually give the standard “we are okay” answer, but that feels so fake. At the same time I don’t think anyone really wants to know how hard it is.
Do you have a good answer I can give these people? (Verona)
A. It is so hard, especially at this time of year when family members are battling health issues and things are not the same.
I honestly believe that your parents’ friends don’t mean to cause any discomfort for you when asking how your dad is, but it is probably very uncomfortable for them as well.
They are just trying to let you know that they are still thinking about your family.
The question “how is your father doing?” seems innocent enough, but it carries a huge weight when you want to give an accurate answer.
Your answer will be different depending on who is asking and how you are dealing with all of your demands at that given time.
If the person asking was close to your father, you can give more details including how he has changed. If the person is asking to be polite, you can give a short “he is hanging in there” answer.
If you share details with those who are close to him, they might be inspired to offer you some help. An honest answer to the question might help others understand how hard it can be. It might also move others to ask if they could do something to help.
Arm yourself with a list of things others could do such as bring over a meal or to stay with dad while you run an errand or rest.
You have described his care as all consuming. That tells me you are stressed and probably exhausted. An honest answer might let others know you would appreciate a break.
As a caregiver you are experiencing a wave of emotions, and at times it can be exhausting to answer questions.
Give yourself permission to feel the feelings you are having and not judge them as good or bad. They are what they are. Accept the good thoughts of others and allow them to keep you and your family in their prayers. I certainly will.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.