Q I am an only child with parents who are nearing their mid 70s.
My mother recently pointed out that some of their friends are speaking to their children about power of attorney for health and financial matters in the event of an illness or loss of capacity.
Is it automatic that I, again as an only child, should be responsible for everything? Is that wise? I am not even sure what all of that responsibility would entail.
(From a daughter in Portage).
A It sounds as though the actions of your parent’s friends have inspired them to think about their future.
Your mother’s comment may have been her way of opening the door for that conversation to take place.
In an ideal world, it is good to divide the responsibilities for financial and health care decisions among several trusted family members. That way all of the duties do not fall upon one individual.
In your family, that may not be an option unless there is someone your parents trust beyond any doubt to carry out their directives.
Perhaps one of them has a sibling who would be willing to accept the offer and to fulfill their wishes.
It all begins with a conversation centered on their desires.
It is also important to remember that this goes far beyond a will. This is not about who gets the good china, it is about giving your parents a voice when they can no longer speak for themselves.
Your timing is great because you never want to wait until a crisis occurs and you are forced to make decisions based on the current circumstance.
If your parents are willing, this may be an ideal time to consult a long term care attorney. They are trained to ask questions that provoke us to think about all of the “what if’s.”
My husband and I recently completed our directives and one of the best questions our attorney asked was, “What if a tornado hits the family reunion and all of the relatives are gone? Who or what would you want to benefit from your estate? Who would you trust to carry out your directives if you were not able to make your wishes known?”
This question forced us to think beyond our core family. A trusted attorney might also be able to suggest some outside individuals with whom you could partner when the directives are activated.
Please be honest with your parents about your apprehension to assume all of the responsibility. They need to know about your reservations so they can plan accordingly.
This does not have to be an uncomfortable process; given the right support it can be very comforting to know what your parents want and to know that you are prepared to help them achieve their wishes.
Best of luck to all of you!
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years, she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.