Ask Jean – Page 2 – Madison Catholic Herald Archive (2001-2025)

Q I am hosting a holiday gathering for our extended family this year and have some questions about how to make the time relaxing for our older in-laws.

My husband’s parents are both experiencing some health issues and have limited energy for long celebrations.

Some family members are traveling quite a distance and are anxious to visit with them. I am worried that my in-laws will be “too gracious” and not let family know when they are tired and need to take a break.

Do you have some tips for making this enjoyable for all without offending anyone or exhausting our in-laws?

(From a daughter-in-law in Beloit)

Ask Jean

On November 18, 2015

Chris Lee

Losing that ‘spark’ in older years

Q I am concerned about my mother. She is in her early 80s and has enjoyed relatively good health.

She has a little arthritis but does not let that stop her from doing most everything she wants to do.

Since my father died several years ago, she has been living in an apartment complex for older adults. She has friends and seems to enjoy many of the social activities offered by the apartment management.

My concern is that lately when I visit she seems sad. For lack of a better term, she seems to have lost her “spark.”

I tried to talk to her about the upcoming holidays and she said we could discuss it later. This is a woman who used to begin Christmas shopping in July! I ask her what is going on but she dismisses the question.

I don’t know how to help her. Do you have any ideas? (From a daughter in Dodgeville)

Ask Jean

On November 18, 2015

Jean Mueller

Losing that ‘spark’ in older years

Q I am concerned about my mother. She is in her early 80s and has enjoyed relatively good health.

She has a little arthritis but does not let that stop her from doing most everything she wants to do.

Since my father died several years ago, she has been living in an apartment complex for older adults. She has friends and seems to enjoy many of the social activities offered by the apartment management.

My concern is that lately when I visit she seems sad. For lack of a better term, she seems to have lost her “spark.”

I tried to talk to her about the upcoming holidays and she said we could discuss it later. This is a woman who used to begin Christmas shopping in July! I ask her what is going on but she dismisses the question.

I don’t know how to help her. Do you have any ideas? (From a daughter in Dodgeville)

Ask Jean

On October 22, 2015

Jean Mueller

Gather facts while choosing an assisted living facility

Q. My mother made the decision to move to an assisted living facility.

The challenges of keeping up her home while attending to her own health have caused far too much stress for her.

She made the decision on her own and shared this with the family at a recent gathering.

Although we (siblings) are saddened to see mom move out of our family home, we are simultaneously relieved that hopefully life will be easier for her. We have started touring various facilities and find them to be very different.

Ask Jean

On September 17, 2015

Jean Mueller

Distinguishing between fact and fiction

Q My mother just moved into a lovely condominium. It is not designated as an “over 55 community,” however many older adults live there.

Lately, my mother has been telling me about some instances when she hears the doorbell ring very late at night or very early in the morning.

She is careful not to get up, is vigilant about making sure the door is locked, and has a home security system sign posted by the front door. There is no evidence that someone is trying to break in or that anything is disturbed.

She has not notified anyone and insists she is fine. I don’t want to doubt her, but is this a cry for attention? I find it difficult to believe that anyone would just ring someone’s doorbell and take off.

Ask Jean

On August 20, 2015

Jean Mueller

Signs indicating a senior may need help

Q As a follow-up to your column last month, I am a long distance caregiver as well.

Although my mother tells me repeatedly that she is doing well, I need some specific things to look for when I visit her later this month.

What should I notice to give me a better idea for how well she is caring for herself? (From a daughter in Beloit)

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On July 16, 2015

Jean Mueller

Long distance caregiving

Q My mother lives in a small community in northern Wisconsin. My dad died a few months ago and since his passing the children (three daughters) have noticed how much he did for mom.

We collectively have noticed some forgetfulness, lack of attention to housekeeping, and poor nutrition.

We all live in different communities. My oldest sister is the closest, about a one hour drive; my youngest sister is the farthest, a six hour drive; and I am in the middle, about four hours away. My older sister feels that in order to keep mom home where she wants to stay, we should each spend one week each month with her.

Ask Jean

On June 18, 2015

Jean Mueller

Supporting members of the entire family

Q I am writing because I don’t know what to do about my brother.

He is in his 50s and lives with our mom who is well into her 70s. He is completely dependent on her for financial help.”Doug” has never been able to hold a job longer than a few months. He drinks heavily so I am not surprised that he can’t keep a job.

My mom feels sorry for him and states that he was never the same after he returned from military duty.

The issue is that if, or when, something happens to mom and she can no longer support him, I am not willing to pick up where she left off. I believe he is more capable than she thinks and I don’t want to become the next enabler.

Ask Jean

On May 14, 2015

Jean Mueller

Supporting a parent’s decision

Q My mother insists on living in the home she and dad shared for the past 50 years. Dad passed away about eight years ago.

The issue is the “homestead” — a farm that is over 100 years old.

The house is in desperate need of repair but that is only one issue.

Ask Jean

On April 23, 2015

Jean Mueller

Senior bullying and taking action to prevent it

Q After much debate and even some coercing, my mother who is in her late 70s moved to a senior apartment complex.

We were all so relieved. We thought that she would be happy, make new friends, have more opportunities for social connections, and in general be able to relax and enjoy things without the stress of home ownership and all of the upkeep.

I think we may have made a huge mistake.