Q I am an only child with parents who are nearing their mid 70s.
My mother recently pointed out that some of their friends are speaking to their children about power of attorney for health and financial matters in the event of an illness or loss of capacity.
Is it automatic that I, again as an only child, should be responsible for everything? Is that wise? I am not even sure what all of that responsibility would entail.
(From a daughter in Portage).
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Q My siblings and I gave our mother the gift of in-home assistance for Christmas.
She lives just outside of Madison and the rest of us live in surrounding counties.
The idea was to provide some support because we can’t be there as much as we would like and mom does not ask us for help.
She was reluctant to accept it at first, but then agreed that she could use some help with certain things.
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Q This may have been asked before, but I need some advice on how to manage holiday gatherings with someone who has dementia.
My mother lives with my sister. Mom has Alzheimer’s disease and my sister wants the entire family, all 25 of us, to gather at her home for Christmas.
I think it will be too hard for mom to be around all of us at the same time. My sister thinks we might not have another Christmas with mom so I don’t know how far to push.
(From a son in Sun Prairie).
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Q From the past columns I have read, my situation is different. I am the 79-year-old mother of a disabled daughter.
My health is pretty good, but I realize I will not be around forever. I have taken care of “Nancy” all my life, and she and I are very close.
I have not made any plans for her and wonder where to begin. She is my only child, and the thought of any other distant relatives caring for her is out of the question.
(From a mother in Monroe)
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Q My mother has been a very healthy person, and her diet has been what I would call balanced.
She always had fresh fruit and vegetables, limited sugar, and watched her salt.
A short time ago, I noticed that she is eating less and less. She has also started to use quite heavy doses of salt on her foods.
When I ask her, she says things don’t taste the same, and she just gets full quicker.
Is this normal, or is it something to have checked out?
(A daughter in McFarland)
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Q My dad is in his early 90s and fortunately has enjoyed really good health.
He lives alone since my mother died and is doing a great job of caring for himself.
I visit twice a week and have lunch with him and check up on things, but he is really a good role model for maintaining independence.
As his only child, I want to make sure I am not missing anything related to his health and well-being.
Are there things that need to be in place to assure he can stay in his home?
I guess what I am asking is what is out there for older individuals to help them stay safe?
(From a daughter in Columbus)
A You bring up a great point, and fortunately, there is a great deal of information and support in this area.
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Q Our family is very small, just my brother and me. “Roger” is younger and always seemed to have trouble keeping a job. The result is he has lived at home all of his life. He is in his 40s.
My concern is that he is heavily dependent on my mom — dad died a few years ago. Mom is 73 years old and has the means to support him for now, but her health is changing, and I am worried that she will not have enough to provide for her own needs because she always puts his needs first.
He recently accompanied her to the bank and had his name placed on her checks so he can write checks for her. He stated it was to make it easier for mom. I think he is going to help himself to her money. Mom seems to trust that he will be responsible.
Is this financial abuse? And, what are the options to change this?
(From a son in Sauk City)
A This is a great question about a very difficult situation.
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Q A while back there was a question related to how much information an agency can share with family members about the care they were providing for the mother.
I would like a bit more information about that, because I really don’t understand what the big deal is. If we, as family members, aren’t told about things that are not going well for our parents, how will we know?
(From a daughter in De Forest)
A I really appreciate these kinds of questions, because I think there is a lot of confusion about the roles different entities play in regard to elder support.
I also acknowledge the variety of interpretations of “privacy matters” within the various supportive organizations. So let’s try and break this down and give you some rationale behind these actions.
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Q I am concerned about my mother. She is in her mid 80s and recently moved to an apartment for older adults — at the strong suggestion of her children. The reason is we thought that she would love to make new friends, get involved in some of the activities they hold, go on some of the outings, and in general be more active and involved. So far, she has not ventured out of her apartment without a family member with her. I wonder if this was a mistake.
(From a daughter in Madison)
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Q I take my dad to the doctor and try to make sure we get all of his issues addressed at the appointment, but sometimes there is just not enough time to absorb all of the information. Is there any way to make sure we are getting the most out of the time we have with our doctor?
(From a son in Verona)
