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| Dr. Robert Enright |
MONONA — “It’s basically goodness starting within myself and flowing out to others,” Dr. Robert D. Enright said as he explained forgiveness.
“When we have been treated unfairly by others and choose to forgive, we do two things: we get rid of something negative and then we try to offer the one who hurt us some kind of moral goodness, whether it’s respect, generosity, kindness, or even some kind of moral love.”
Dr. Enright, PhD, professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and co-founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, recently spoke on forgiveness at Immaculate Heart of Mary Catholic Church, where he is a parishioner. He has been studying forgiveness since 1985.
Forgiving those who hurt us
He noted that none of us makes it through life unscathed, including himself. We have all been hurt, betrayed, or disappointed at some point — and sometimes these wounds leave scars in the form of anger and resentment. In more extreme cases, some people have been deeply hurt by another and are caught in a vortex of anger, depression, and resentment.
In his latest book, The Forgiving Life, Dr. Enright offers scientifically supported guidance to help people forgive those in their lives who have acted unfairly and have inflicted emotional hurt. It does not minimize the devastation of that hurt or require reconciliation with the one who inflicted the hurt. Rather, it describes a process to confront the pain and rise above it to forgive.
Dr. Enright talked about how forgiveness can reduce anxiety and depression while increasing self-esteem and hopefulness toward one’s future. Forgiveness, approached in the correct manner, benefits the forgiver far more than the forgiven.
What forgiveness is and what it is not
In his talk, he focused on what forgiveness is and what it is not. It is important to clarify, because people can be very fearful of what offering forgiveness could mean.
Dr. Enright sees forgiveness as a moral virtue, much like justice, patience, and kindness. Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge — and the process allows us to be happier and free to enjoy the present moment. He describes it as “when you forgive, you offer goodness to others who haven’t been good to you.”
Many people resist forgiveness because they think it will require them to excuse bad behavior or reconcile and continue unhealthy relationships, but nothing could be further from the truth.
Forgiveness does not mean that you excuse or condone behavior. Someone may have hurt or betrayed you, and you can choose to forgive that person yet still demand justice. “We have to use justice alongside forgiveness all the time,” Dr. Enright explained. For example, if someone damages your car, you present them with the body shop bill. That’s a just action.
Forgiveness does not mean accepting continued abuse from the offender. Rather, by giving the gift of forgiveness, participants are encouraged to confront and let go of their pain in order to regain their lives.
Forgiveness does not mean you have to reconcile. Reconciliation is a negotiation strategy, where two or more people work together to restore trust. In contrast, forgiveness starts within and flows out to others. If one party is not trustworthy, reconciliation is not a good alternative.
The four phases of forgiving
In the Enright model, the process of forgiveness proceeds through four phases.
• In the Uncovering Phase, a person “gains insight into whether and how the injustice and subsequent injury have compromised his or her life.” This involves confronting the nature of the offense and uncovering the consequences of having been offended.
This means determining as objectively as possible who did what to whom and to recognize if one is overgeneralizing, labelling an entire group as bad and harmful, as opposed to the one individual in one location who caused one harm.
Uncovering the consequences of the offense includes understanding how both “the original unfairness” and one’s reactions to this injustice have affected one’s life. A person must confront the objective nature of the offense and the objective and subjective harm or injuries caused by the offense.
This may involve discovering and working through various “layers of pain” in addition to justifiable anger. Layers of pain may involve: shame, guilt, obsessive thoughts about the offender and/or one’s offense, temporary or permanent life changes due to the offense, and changes in one’s views about the justice of the world and of God.
• In the Decision Phase, a person gains an accurate understanding of the nature of forgiveness and makes a decision to commit to forgiving on the basis of this understanding.
At this point, a person not only is “pushed by the pain” of unforgiveness, but also “pulled by the hope” that learning to forgive one’s offender will free the one offended from further, avoidable suffering. At the end of this phase, the person suffering from unforgiveness realizes that forgiveness is an option and makes a decision, however tentative or weak, to begin forgiving.
• The Work Phase involves actually working on forgiving. In this phase, a person gains a cognitive understanding of the offender and begins to view the offender in a new light, resulting in positive change in affect about the offender, about the self, and about the relationship.
This may involve rethinking the offensive situation or seeing the offender from a new perspective as a person who is, in fact, a human being, made in the image of God, and not evil incarnate.
This phase includes working toward realistic empathy and compassion for the offender, courageously bearing the pain caused by the offense, and finally giving the offender the “moral gift” of forgiveness. This phase cannot be rushed and may take a long time.
• Finally, in the Deepening Phase, a person finds increasing meaning in the suffering, feels more connected with others, and experiences decreased negative affect and, at times, renewed purpose in life.
In the process of forgiving, one finds release from the “emotional prison” of unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, and anger. As one’s ability to forgive deepens, one may find new meaning in one’s suffering and new purpose in one’s life for having suffered unjustly. One also may discover one’s own need to ask for forgiveness from others, perhaps even toward one’s offender.
‘Natural’ and ‘infused’ forgiveness
In his talk, Dr. Enright discussed the difference between “natural” and “infused” virtue of forgiveness. The first is what we learn naturally, from our mother’s knee or by attending church.
The second is accomplished by God’s grace, through the work of the Holy Spirit. Infused forgiveness goes beyond the natural mercy offered — to the point where the offended makes a loving sacrifice for the one who hurt them.
“You are concerned for the soul and salvation of the other who hurt you, and you use your own pain in communion with Jesus Christ to save the soul of the one who harmed you,” explained Dr. Enright.
He noted that you need to be in sanctifying grace to even come close to this infused virtue of forgiveness. And you need regular use of the confessional for that kind of growth.
“As we forgive, we can end up growing in the virtue of forgiveness and becoming a more forgiving and loving person,” he said. “Then we have the possibility of creating forgiveness in communities.” And forgiving communities form the foundation of a more peaceful world.