Q My dad has been living with me for the past three years and while I love him and have entered into this arrangement willingly, I am feeling more and more resentful of my siblings. I have a brother and a sister, both live close to me and neither one of them offer to give me a break. I don’t understand how they can just go on with their lives and leave me here to do all of the caregiving. I am afraid I will unintentionally take out my frustration on dad. What should I do? (From a daughter in Janesville).
A It is easy to look back and judge our decisions, but you said that you did enter into this willingly — did you have any discussions with your siblings about how they might help? Did you underestimate the length of time your father would be living with you? Have you asked them for some time off?
They may be feeling that their assistance is not needed and therefore do not offer. Let them know that you need some time away and ask them for help.
My guess is that they would be willing to help if they were given specific duties. For example, ask your brother to help with yard work or ask your sister to prepare some meals that you could re-heat. Those actions would allow you time to do something for yourself.
Perhaps one of them would stay with your dad while you took a short vacation. If they are uncomfortable with that idea, have them stay with you for a day or two to observe the caregiving duties — that might ease any discomfort they have about getting more involved.
It is clear that you need some respite. Your father needs someone at his/her best to provide his care and you will not be able to continue without some kind of break.
If your siblings are not willing to help, you must seek respite through other sources. Your local senior center would be a good place to look for resources.
Caring for our parents can really be a rewarding experience but it is really okay to take an occasional break. You will return refreshed and ready to go again!
Do you have a question? Questions for the “Ask Jean” column may be sent to Jean Mueller at [email protected]
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.