The following article is about the experience at the graduate student and young professional fall retreat at Holy Hill in Hubertus, Wis., presented by St. Paul’s Catholic Student Center in Madison.
I am driving my car on a pitch-black road with music blasting. Back road driving like this was a standard practice in my hometown.
By doing such a simple act, this was the first time I felt at home in months.
Constant trees, grass, and those windy roads were seen on my pilgrimage to Holy Hill.
When I arrived, I said to myself, “Did I just arrive at Hogwarts?” Everything was dark, other than lights pointing towards the basilica.
I entered the tiniest chapel I had ever seen (and I have seen some tiny chapels).
Always in the corner of my eye wasthe image of St. Thérèse of Lisieux. While her face displayed her littleness, her eyes just kept following me.
Moments of mercy and love
The retreat began and would continue with a series of talks, the first of which was by St. Paul’s Evangelization Director Helena Dziadowicz.
Her talk set the tone for the weekend with similar themes that would be echoed in the following talks.
First, our lives are meant to follow a certain order. It is when they become disordered that they become chaotic. The simplest way to order our lives is to begin our day in prayer.
Second, Helena asked this essential question: Who am I choosing, God or self?
I had been actively trying to choose God over myself. What I had been struggling with so significantly was God’s love for me.
How could this being know the hairs on my head? Maybe God’s love was reserved for others, but it was not reserved for me. However, this would change after Pastor Fr. Eric Sternberg’s talk.
It wasn’t necessarily the talk itself. Earlier in the day, I had bought a beautiful new Bible along with a St. Padre Pio prayer card.
Father Eric had asked to borrow the Bible for his talk so I just removed the prayer card.
He described the pain of life. I had been in pain for quite some time at that point, the suffering seemed to have no end in sight, and I truly felt unworthy of all love.
After the talk, Father gave me my Bible back and I slipped the prayer card in the Bible randomly.
We were all presented with the opportunity for Confession and Adoration.
In Confession, I shared some of the same sentiments about God’s lack of love for me.
The fact that I had sinned so much in my life, [I thought] I lost any chance of redemption.
I was pretty teary-eyed walking back to the chapel where St. Thérèse’s eyes followed me.
After my penance, I opened up my Bible to the place where I had stuck my prayer card. From there, my tears turned into full sobs.
Another speaker spoke about how a particular verse was powerful and significant to her. The same would happen to me.
The verse I opened to was Isaiah 43. While I won’t copy the full text because it is quite long, the opening line was enough for healing.
“But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, Jacob, and formed you, Israel: Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name: You are mine.”
The Lord speaks to us in ways that we will hear. I had always been told that He will speak with clarity.
That day in the tiniest of chapels, He was heard.
Finding community
The rest of the weekend was filled with the other thing I was searching for: Community.
One of the other talks focused on the aspect of community and prayer.
I’d felt pretty isolated since I moved to Madison. However, I did not feel isolated that weekend. I was able to get to know people on a more personal level, meet people I had seen around St. Paul’s, and make memories.
From exploring the beautiful grounds, to an intense game of spoons, to stargazing, and finally some beautiful music, it was a weekend of healing on multiple fronts.
Reflecting back, however, that has been an important experience at St. Paul’s.
From the moment I walked into the beautiful building, I have experienced nothing but God’s grace, mercy, and friendship.
It is something everyone has to (and should) experience to really put the community of St. Paul’s into words.
It is unlike any other Catholic community I have been a part of.
The people of St. Paul’s bring a light to a campus that at times can feel really dark.
I arrived at both the basilica and St. Paul’s in utter darkness, but I left both in sheer light through the grace of God.