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Q My siblings and I gave our mother the gift of in-home assistance for Christmas.
She lives just outside of Madison and the rest of us live in surrounding counties.
The idea was to provide some support because we can’t be there as much as we would like and mom does not ask us for help.
She was reluctant to accept it at first, but then agreed that she could use some help with certain things.
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Q This may have been asked before, but I need some advice on how to manage holiday gatherings with someone who has dementia.
My mother lives with my sister. Mom has Alzheimer’s disease and my sister wants the entire family, all 25 of us, to gather at her home for Christmas.
I think it will be too hard for mom to be around all of us at the same time. My sister thinks we might not have another Christmas with mom so I don’t know how far to push.
(From a son in Sun Prairie).
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Q From the past columns I have read, my situation is different. I am the 79-year-old mother of a disabled daughter.
My health is pretty good, but I realize I will not be around forever. I have taken care of “Nancy” all my life, and she and I are very close.
I have not made any plans for her and wonder where to begin. She is my only child, and the thought of any other distant relatives caring for her is out of the question.
(From a mother in Monroe)
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Q My mother has been a very healthy person, and her diet has been what I would call balanced.
She always had fresh fruit and vegetables, limited sugar, and watched her salt.
A short time ago, I noticed that she is eating less and less. She has also started to use quite heavy doses of salt on her foods.
When I ask her, she says things don’t taste the same, and she just gets full quicker.
Is this normal, or is it something to have checked out?
(A daughter in McFarland)
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Q I have always considered my parents to be intelligent and capable of making good decisions, but I wonder if they may be taken in by a new acquaintance who is also in the investment business.
They recently invested in a project that is “going to be huge,” according to the investor. My parents were told not to share too many details because they are a few of the “special people” who were allowed in on this.
It sounds so fishy to me, but they think this is the next big thing but they can’t tell me what it is. Am I over-reacting? (A concerned son in Evansville).
Q My mother lives in northern Illinois. This is home, where we grew up. My mom is in her late 80s, dad died several years ago. My mother gave up the family home and moved into an apartment and has been doing okay, but recently she has been telling me how she is losing so many of her friends. She feels alone.
I am thinking about asking her to move in with me. My brother and sister live in California and Georgia and I know she would not want to live in either of those states.
I wonder if living with me would help her feel less lonely and help me feel less guilty about not always being there for her. (From a daughter in Wausau).
Q I am concerned about my mother who is in her late 70s. She lives alone and is quite independent. She recently started having some health problems related to high blood pressure, swelling, and fatigue.
The doctor placed her on some medication and is closely monitoring her for which I am thankful. Since I live in a different county, I am not able to be there as often as I would like but we talk frequently and she assures me that she is following the doctor’s advice.
My concern is related to her diet. She insists on eating the same foods every day, which consists of TV dinners, soup, and sandwiches.
I would like her to eat more nutritious foods that are lower in salt but since I am not there to help her prepare them, I don’t think I can be too critical of her intake.
Are there any healthier options or support for people in these situations? I know she will not want to make a big meal since she lives alone. (From a daughter in Kenosha)
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Q. My father has just asked me to be his health care power of attorney. I am not sure what that entails and what my responsibilities would be. We have a good relationship and I am willing to help him (he is 78 and in fairly good health). In the worst case scenario what would this mean? (From a son in Dodgeville)
A. This is a great question because there is a lot of confusion about health care power of attorney and what that entails.
The power of attorney or “agent” is a person who has the permission to make health care decisions for the “principal” (in your case your father) in the event of incapacitation.
Q. I am getting ready for my annual trip out east to spend time with my mother over the holidays.
Mom is in her 80s and it is getting more and more difficult for her to do everything — yet she insists on keeping up all of the old traditions and will not allow any of us to help.
By the time I leave she is exhausted and I am stressed and feeling guilty. Is there any way to convince her all the “fuss” is not necessary, without hurting her feelings?
(A daughter in Dodgeville)
Q. I am becoming more and more concerned that my mom is not doing well.
She has lost many of her friends and when we speak I think there may be some depression going on.
I live on the West coast and can’t be there to actually see what is happening. What can I do? How do I get mom to accept help? (From daughter in San Francisco, Calif.)
A. Your concerns are very legitimate. Losses can be very hard to deal with especially as we get older and have fewer options to replace the loss.
