Dear Readers,
Finally! A more reliable way to tell if you have arrived at old age! Instead of counting the grays in your hair, the lines on your face, or the number of miles per hour you routinely drive under the speed limit, you can now take a short seasonal quiz to accurately determine whether or not you officially qualify for Denny’s senior discount!
The test
Simply answer “yes” or “no” to the following 10 questions:
- Are you more irritated than excited when stores put out their Halloween merchandise in early July?
- Did you (or any of your peers) ever knock over outhouses for Halloween fun?
- Does your appearance frighten people even when you’re not wearing a costume?
- Have you given out healthy alternatives to Halloween candy such as prunes or kale?
- Do you remember when Halloween costumes were all homemade using old sheets, grocery sacks, or musty items from moldy boxes in the attic, garage, or basement?
- Last Halloween, did you place a large bowl of candy on your front porch with a sign reading, “Please Take One” because you wanted to keep watching The Andy Griffith Show instead of answering the door?
- Do you worry more about denture damage than calories when you snack on Snickers?
- Do you refuse to give candy to trick-or-treaters who are taller than you?
- Do you run after and tackle trick-or-treaters who neglect to say “thank you”?
- Do you turn off your porch light on Halloween to discourage trick-or-treaters but still go to Walgreens the next day to stock up on half-price bags of M&M’s?
Results
If you answered “yes” to one or more of the above questions, congratulations! You can be confident in the knowledge that yes, you are indeed old, but, dear Readers, finally reaching those golden years is an accomplishment to be celebrated!
There are many, many wonderful advantages to being a senior citizen, but that’s another topic for another letter. Meanwhile, those “yes” answers on the above quiz qualify you to receive a complimentary set of Readers Digest Condensed Books, Large-Print Edition, plus, if you act now, you can also receive a free Phyllis Diller wig to wear when you answer the door on Halloween!
I’ll be wearing mine this Halloween when I answer the door, but actually, I often wear it when answering the door on other days of the year too — that’s one of those advantages I was talking about! Us marvelously mature mavens certainly know how to have fun!
Linda E. Kelly is a member of Blessed Sacrament Parish in Madison.