Q: This question may have been raised before, but I need to ask again. We are a family of four brothers all helping our 90-year-old mother and developmentally delayed sister. We had to place our mother in a nursing home a year ago due to physical issues. One brother lives out of state so we keep him updated by phone and naturally don’t expect any physical help from him. The rest of us live near each other and share the responsibilities, with the exception of one brother. We ask him to do a very specific task and he can never seem to follow through. There is always some kind of lame excuse. Sometimes I think he does this on purpose to get out of helping. This is getting very old. Do you have any suggestions? (A son in Barneveld).
A: Family caregiving is a stressful time for all involved. It can generate some emotions we are not prepared to manage. It can also expose feelings of fear, inadequacy, and incompetence.
While some take the “bull-by- the-horn” and learn throughout the caregiving process, others retreat because they may feel inadequate to deal with the complexities of the situation.
This is not a time to judge your family member. Is it possible to ask what tasks he might be comfortable taking on?
If there are other family members who seem more confident or capable, he may be stepping back and allowing others to take the lead because he doesn’t see himself having the skill set the rest of you have.
Could you list some of the caregiving duties you and your other brothers are sharing and ask him which tasks he feels he could take on?
If he is not able to select something in his comfort zone, it is time to let go of your expectations for him. He may be emotionally incapable of helping in the way you would like.
Is there some other job he could assume? It could be mowing the yard, running errands, or something that he does on a regular basis within his own life. If he is given something familiar, it may be easier for him to complete because he has done this before.
When we have expectations of others without knowing what their comfort zone is, we end up feeling frustrated when they are not able to fulfill the task. This is more stress on you and your brother as the lead caregivers in the family.
Finding a way to share the care is challenging when you feel others are not stepping up. Everyone has a specific skill set and learning what that skill is and then building on it can make for a much more cooperative caregiving experience.
Your heart is in the right place, trying to ensure your family members receive the help they need. Your mother and sister are blessed to have you!
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.