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Q Our family is very small, just my brother and me. “Roger” is younger and always seemed to have trouble keeping a job. The result is he has lived at home all of his life. He is in his 40s.
My concern is that he is heavily dependent on my mom — dad died a few years ago. Mom is 73 years old and has the means to support him for now, but her health is changing, and I am worried that she will not have enough to provide for her own needs because she always puts his needs first.
He recently accompanied her to the bank and had his name placed on her checks so he can write checks for her. He stated it was to make it easier for mom. I think he is going to help himself to her money. Mom seems to trust that he will be responsible.
Is this financial abuse? And, what are the options to change this?
(From a son in Sauk City)
A This is a great question about a very difficult situation.
First, I would have to say that if your mother is fully aware of what she is doing and she is not feeling pressured to support your brother it would be hard to say that it is abuse.
Without knowing the dynamics of their relationship, he may indeed feel that he is the best person to handle your mother’s finances.
Have you had a direct and private conversation with your mother about this? Would she tell you if she felt pressured to allow your brother to take over her finances?
After speaking to your mother if you still have some uncomfortable feelings about the arrangement, you can contact the Wisconsin Department of Health Services and speak with staff in the elder abuse department.
You do not have to share any names, including your own, and just talk through the circumstances with them. They will prompt you to look for certain red flags, or they may give you specific questions to ask.
You may discover that she felt she had no choice but to turn over this responsibility.
It is important to know that in Wisconsin a competent older adult has the right to refuse services that have been recommended, so even if it is found to be abuse if she does not want anything to change, no action can be taken.
I know that is frustrating, but a competent person’s right to make their own decisions is always respected — even if we disagree with that decision.
You can contact elder abuse by calling 608-261-9933.
Thank you for watching out for your mother; you may be the guardian angel she needs.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years, she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Diocese of Madison Catholic Charities.