Q: Both of my parents are alive, and in their late 80s. They have some physical health issues, nothing major, and I am grateful that they are still mobile and able to live independently.
My issue is with my dad’s emotional health. He sleeps almost all day. He gets up to eat and then returns to bed or to his chair and naps. He has lost interest in gardening, helping around the house, and doesn’t even seem to want to go out or do anything.
My mother feels it is just his age and doesn’t expect him to help with anything. She does not want to force the issue. I say he is depressed but my mom doesn’t want to do anything about it. It is sad to see him sleeping away — should we force him to see a doctor? (From a son in Monona.)
A: You got my attention when you said he lost interest in formerly pleasurable activities.
Depression is a complicated state and one that individuals don’t often want to acknowledge. This is particularly true for older individuals.
People of past generations were told not to acknowledge feelings, to stay busy, work, and be strong. This was especially true for men and it can make admitting those feelings very difficult. Depression can be immobilizing and can make other existing conditions more serious.
With this realization, physicians are more apt to ask questions related to depression and mood currently than they were in past years.
The good news is that there are many effective methods of treating depression. Family support, talk therapy, and antidepressants can make a big difference.
Now, about your question should you force him to see a doctor? My response is yes — but force makes it feel as though you will strong arm him into seeing a doctor and that might cause some resentment. I would begin by stating your concern over his loss of interest in formerly pleasurable activities.
You might gently start by saying how much you miss doing something with him such as, “Dad, I really miss gardening with you, and I feel as though you have stopped doing many things you used to enjoy. I am concerned about you and want to see you enjoying things once again. Are you feeling all right? Can I help?”
Letting your dad know you are concerned is the first step in helping him become aware of the issue. You might also let him know that his feelings are nothing to ignore.
The point is that he is not acting the same as he once did and you would like him to enjoy life again.
Thank you for being willing to help your dad. You are a blessing! It might take time and more than one offer to help, but I pray that your concern and persistence will help him realize his situation and seek appropriate help.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.