Q: I am trying to respect my father’s choices but it is so hard.
We lost my mother last year so he is alone. Since her death he refuses to think about moving to a smaller home or apartment even though he can barely keep up with things.
He is alone much of the time and will not accept help from friends, family, church, or anyone else.
He says he is not depressed but he certainly does not act like he is ready to move on. Is there anything I can do? (From a son in Deerfield).
A: Your dad may not be the best judge of his current mental state. It sounds to me like he is still grieving the loss of your mom — his wife.
Grief can be a very debilitating state. Your father might know that he feels sad over her death, but he may not realize how it is affecting the rest of his life.
We all grieve differently and there is no time-line for grief. It will take as long as it takes. The important thing is to stay in touch with him and let him know you care and that you are concerned.
You said he refuses help, but what kind of help has been offered? He may not recognize the efforts of others as help. And, sometimes others think they are helping when all they are doing is adding stress.
An example is when others say “let me know if I can do anything to help.” That is comforting and seems well intended, however, I don’t know what you are capable of doing for me and I don’t have the energy to come up with something you might like to do to assist.
A better way of helping is to make a list of some things your dad would appreciate, such as meals that he could re-heat, or someone to rake his yard, take the car in for an oil change, etc. That way, when someone says; “let me know what I can do,” you have a list prepared and they can choose a task that they are comfortable doing. Your dad gets the help and others actually end up helping.
It is important not to force too many changes on him right now. He is trying to adjust to a great loss and he needs to take small steps.
Your caring presence and concern are his greatest gifts right now. Stay connected to one another and allow God to help all of you heal. You will know when it is the right time to bring up moving, or getting back out with friends.
A visit from his priest might be in order as well, even as a kind of “wellness check” to see how he is adjusting. Bless you all.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.