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Q My mother lives in a small community in northern Wisconsin. My dad died a few months ago and since his passing the children (three daughters) have noticed how much he did for mom.
We collectively have noticed some forgetfulness, lack of attention to housekeeping, and poor nutrition.
We all live in different communities. My oldest sister is the closest, about a one hour drive; my youngest sister is the farthest, a six hour drive; and I am in the middle, about four hours away. My older sister feels that in order to keep mom home where she wants to stay, we should each spend one week each month with her.
I want mom to be happy and comfortable, but I still work! I cannot take time away from my job and my own family to dedicate one week each month to my mother’s care. This makes me feel selfish, but I just can’t make this kind of commitment. Do you have any suggestions? (From a daughter in Marshall)
A Thank you for the question! You and your sisters have entered the realm of long distance caregiving.
This is very different than caring for a relative who lives down the block or across town. Long distance caregiving carries a lot of additional stress because you are simply not there to witness things with your own eyes.
The distance between your mother and all of you precludes anyone from “dropping in” to check on her. It sounds like all of you agree that the goal is to keep your mother in her home. While that is very noble, it may be unrealistic to think that you and your sisters can do this alone.
Even if you could commit to one week each month, what happens if there is an unexpected illness and you would have to change your week? What if you have a project at work that requires additional hours? A strong support system includes elements from many sources.
Sharing concerns
As a first step I would urge all of you to speak with your mother, share your concerns, and get her opinion about the situation.
She should be encouraged to share her feelings and how she would like to move forward.
The second step is to accompany your mother to the doctor. Ask your mother to sign a release so the doctor can contact you or your sisters in case of an emergency and make sure they have your contact information.
Some of the symptoms you described could be related to depression, which is entirely possible since she recently lost her husband. A thorough medical examination could reveal conditions that can be corrected and result in increased independence.
Open communication
As a family caregiver, I can’t stress how important it is to maintain open and honest communication. This is new and difficult territory for all of you and emotions can become raw when you see someone you love struggling.
Applying a quick fix might address an immediate concern, but in reality you need to plan for the long-term.
Reach out to sources in her community to see what is available, such as the local ADRC (Aging and Disability Resource Center). Offer your mother support in a loving way and let her know you will be there for her, but preserve your identity as a loving daughter and a supportive sister.
If you address these things in the beginning, the road ahead may be a bit less bumpy for all of you.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years, she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.