Q: I feel as though I am at an impasse with my parents. They are both in frail health — heart disease, arthritis, difficulty getting around, breathing problems — I could go on forever.
They live in a large two story home with the bedrooms and one bathroom upstairs. Neither one of them can climb stairs very well.
It is not the best setting for them in my opinion. I worry about them and try to check on them as often as possible but frankly I can’t get over there all the time. They are not asking for help — I just don’t want to walk in and find a disaster some day.
They will not spend any money on repairs or updates to make living there easier and they will not even consider moving to a more accessible or supportive living environment. Do I just let them stay and risk injury or is there a way I can force the subject? (From a son in Waunakee).
A: Are you absolutely sure your parents want to stay where they are?
If the answer is yes, are you sure they will not modify their home to accommodate their limitations?
Maybe they are not aware of the options they have.
The first step is to have that conversation — ask your parents how they see themselves living over the next year.
If you simply ask them what they want, most likely they will say “to stay here of course!”
If you ask them how they see themselves, it challenges them to look at the situation differently. They might have to acknowledge that it is difficult climbing the stairs or that the maintenance of the house is more than they can handle.
The last thing anyone wants is to be forced to make a decision in the middle of a crisis.
The next step is to examine the options.
This community is rich with choices. There are options for in-home support through companions who could assist with personal cares and chores. There are adult day centers where they could spend a day socializing with peers under the watchful eye of trained staff (Catholic Charities Adult Day Center is a good choice).
There are options for modifications to the home such as stair lifts that would eliminate the need for them to physically climb the stairs or maybe there is an unused room on the first floor that could be converted to a bedroom or bathroom.
If they are open to the possibility of moving, there again are many choices. Chances are they could stay in their same community.
My suggestion is to talk to your parents openly about their challenges and your concerns.
Then, if they are agreeable, a call to the Aging and Disability Resource Center is the next step. The phone number for the center is 608-240-7400.
That call will connect them with an individual familiar with available resources and help them understand their options. Once they know what their choices are, they can make a more informed decision about the next step.
Your concern and support is their greatest gift. Thank you for caring.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.