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Q I am concerned about my mother. She is in her mid 80s and recently moved to an apartment for older adults — at the strong suggestion of her children. The reason is we thought that she would love to make new friends, get involved in some of the activities they hold, go on some of the outings, and in general be more active and involved. So far, she has not ventured out of her apartment without a family member with her. I wonder if this was a mistake.
(From a daughter in Madison)
A There is a growing body of evidence that supports maintaining your current, as well as developing new social contacts as a part of healthy aging.
Intentions
Your idea of moving your mother to a place that has more social opportunities sounds well intentioned. Hopefully, your mother was the one who raised the issue of needing more opportunities. If this was purely a family idea, it may be causing her more stress than benefit.
It would be helpful to know what motivated this move — did your mother recently lose longtime friends? Is her health changing? Change is difficult at any age, but it can be especially difficult in older years. When too many changes are happening at the same time, it can become overwhelming.
Is there anything family members can do to ease her transition? Maybe she needs someone to be her “ice breaker.”
Breaking the ice
Joining in with an established group can be intimidating. Someone in the family may need to do some research for her about the various offerings within the building. Some activities may be more appealing than others.
There is value in spending time with others in uplifting and stimulating activities. Sometimes there are negative emotions associated with joining groups; some view groups as simply a place for gossip. It would be good to get her perspective on that. The bottom line is, if she does not find value in what is offered, the activities may seem to be frivolous and not a good use of her time.
Apartment culture
If this is the first time she has lived in an apartment, she will need time to adjust to the culture of apartment living. Each place has its own personality, and she may need to see if her interests align with the culture of the community.
Are there ways for her to engage in meaningful hobbies? For example if she used to garden, is there a gardening club? If not, would she be able to suggest starting one? The same can be said for book clubs, group walks, or morning coffee and news updates.
The motivation behind living in retirement communities is different for everyone. It is possible to grow new friendships and interests. It takes commitment, persistence, and the willingness to try something different.
My hope is that she finds good fellowship, makes new friends, and thrives in her new home.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years, she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.