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Losing a loved one to death is painful. Many parents say the loss of a child is arguably the most painful of losses.
Finding support
Compassionate Friends is one of a number of support groups that offer support for the loss of a loved one.
In their description, it says, “When your child has died, suddenly it seems like all meaning has been drained from your life. When you wake up, it is difficult to get out of bed, much less live a normal life.
“All that was right with the world now seems wrong and you wonder when, or if, you will ever feel better. (We at) Compassionate Friends have been there and understand some of the pain you are feeling.
“We are glad that you have found us, but profoundly saddened by the reason. We know that you are trying to find your way in a bewildering experience for which no one can truly be prepared.”
In my 50 years of priesthood, I have seen people grieve the loss of a loved one or ones. I especially remember a mother who grieved over her teenage son’s death.
Once within a week, I encountered two men who recently lost their wives. One of them had previously lost his first wife and now his second wife. He wanted to die. His daughters begged him to keep on living. He did. I have also lost my parents, two sisters, and two nephews to death since I became a priest.
A Grief Observed
In A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis shared the grief he experienced after Joy, his wife of three years, died of cancer.
He wrote, “I never expected to have, in my sixties, the happiness that passed me by in my twenties.”
Lewis candidly journaled his anger and frustration at God, his life without Joy, and the different stages of grieving his loss. In so doing, Lewis came to a deeper understanding of who God truly is and found a sense of gratitude for the love he had experienced with Joy, his wife who, true to her name, brought joy to his life.
In her classic book Widow, Lynne Caine expressed her grief, “After my husband died, I felt like one of those spiral shells washed up on the beach. Poke a straw through the twisting tunnel, around and around, and there is nothing there. Whatever lived there is dried up and gone.”
The Blessed Mother surely grieved over Joseph’s death. Under the cross, she united her suffering with Jesus’ suffering.
Uniting our suffering to Christ’s
Like Mary, we are called to unite our suffering with Christ’s suffering. Some of the great saints were converted after experiencing a loved one’s death.
In Colossians 1:24, St. Paul writes, “Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh, I am filling up what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions on behalf of his body which is his Church.
In Luke 9:23, Jesus said to all, “If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”
At Beloit Catholic High, I initiated a course entitled Death and Dying. Unfortunately, young people often die from accidents or in other ways. Their parents, grandparents, classmates, or friends sometimes die too. Often teenagers don’t know how to deal with their losses. Maybe this course helped some of them.
The stages of grief
Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross described stages that patients with terminal illness go through as they come to terms with their own deaths. These stages were later applied to grieving friends and family who seemed to undergo a similar process. The stages are popularly known by the acronym DABDA.
The first stage is denial when individuals believe the diagnosis is somehow mistaken and cling to a false reality.
This stage is often followed by anger. When individuals recognize that denial cannot continue, they become frustrated and angry.
The third stage involves bargaining or negotiation for an extended life in exchange for a reformed lifestyle, bargaining with God to attend a child’s wedding, or finishing a book.
Next is depression when the individual may become silent, refuse visitors, and spend much of the time mournful and sullen.
Acceptance is the last stage, when individuals accept their mortality.
After Dad’s funeral, I sat in the parlor, and the door opened. I expected Dad to walk in as usual. Instead it was Mom. She said, “You and I were the only ones who shed tears.” Then she added. “Your dad was proud of you!” I treasure her words.
In John 6:56 it says,” Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them on the last day.”
For the baptized believer who lives the gospel, death is not the end, but the doorway to eternal life. Belief in the Resurrection and receiving the Holy Spirit strengthened the apostles and early Christians to give their lives for Christ.
Like Mary, uniting our suffering with Christ’s suffering can help us learn to live with our loss.
Fr. Donald Lange is a pastor emeritus in the Diocese of Madison.