Q: I have been helping an older neighbor who is 79, for the past year. I started helping casually with things like bringing up the mail during snowstorms or helping him shovel. It was never consistent or “expected’ until now. He does not have any family and is alone and I want to be neighborly, but now he is asking if I can help with everything from cleaning to meals to transportation. I think he has enough money to be able to pay for such services, but I don’t think he wants to. How do I back out without making him feel bad? (Monroe).
A: It is an act of compassion to want to help someone in need. But, when our casual offers to help become expectations, you might feel as though you are being taken advantage of.
That might be the case here, but I bet there is more to his requests than is obvious. When my own mother was alive and living in her apartment, she would often say, “I am so lucky I don’t have to ask.” She had nine children and there was always someone available — and we offered. I never really fully understood how significant that was.
You see, as people age and realize they need some help in certain areas, the instinct may be to deny or hide the need. Some older individuals feel if they ask for help, it must mean they can’t care for themselves and should be placed in a “nursing home.”
The need for assistance is put aside because the fear of having to leave your home is stronger. Your offers of assistance are a safe way for him to get the help he needs and not expose himself to the risk of being asked to move.
You have every right to place some healthy boundaries around your assistance with this gentleman and help him get the support he needs. You can introduce him to senior services. These services are designed to keep individuals living in their own homes with the support they need.
The fact that he is asking for help with meals, cleaning, and transportation is a red flag. He may not be functioning as well as it appears. You can assure him that many individuals use senior services to help them stay living in their homes and using such a service does not mean he needs to move.
Each county has designated agencies that offer assistance. In your county, Green County, there is an Aging and Disability Resource Center (ADRC) located in Monroe. The phone number is 608-328-9499.
The purpose of these centers is to help individuals just like your neighbor connect with services that will help him stay living in his home. Trained individuals are available to help him identify the resources he needs and they are also trained to assist with funding issues. If you are comfortable, you could offer to help him make the call, then you can go back to being his neighbor and his friend.
Aging and Disability Resource Centers are located in several counties in Wisconsin. To find out what is available in your specific area, call the Elder Care Locator 800-677-1116, or on the Web, Eldercare.gov
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.