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Q A family member passed recently and although it was after a long illness, I am surprised and a little disappointed with the reactions of some relatives.
This was a much loved individual and her loss leaves a great hole in our hearts.
Some relatives want to plan a vacation to “honor” her while others are encouraging her husband to get back out there and begin another relationship; because “that is what she would want.”
Maybe this is really old- fashioned, but I think after something like this happens, the person deserves a time of reflection and respect. Am I wrong?
(From a sister-in-law in Darlington).
A Everyone grieves in their own way. There is no recipe for a healthy method of adjusting to a loss.
Even if you grieve in a way that you feel honors the person, you may revisit those feelings frequently.
When we lose someone important to us, we have to create a way of continuing our lives while filling the gap left by the loss.
Different individuals have different methods of accomplishing this. Those wanting to take the trip may be attempting to create a closer bond with remaining family members while those encouraging the spouse to seek another relationship may be reacting to his loneliness.
Is it possible that the deceased left instructions for how she preferred to be remembered?
She may have planted the idea of a family trip in celebration instead of mourning and she may have encouraged her husband to find someone with whom he could find companionship.
It is at times like these that I feel we need to be extra loving and set aside our feelings for the actions of others.
A significant loss is something hard and painful and causes a variety of reactions.
Grieving is an intensely personal period and there are no directions for how to go through it or how long it will take.
You may want to explore grief support groups. This is something other family members may want to attend with you. Your local parish may hold grief support groups; if they do not, try a hospice organization.
Navigating the complex feelings associated with loss is something we all face at one point or another.
I pray that God will grant you and your family peace during this difficult time.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Diocese of Madison Catholic Charities.