retirement living – Madison Catholic Herald Archive (2001-2025)

Q: In this new year I have decided to be more “present” for my parents.

By that, I mean I want to relieve any anxiety they may have about their advancing age.

I know about things like helping them physically with yard work or home repairs, but what are some things I need to know about in order to help them live their lives the way they wish?

I have heard about living wills and power of attorney, but I am not sure if they know about this or if they have these things prepared. Where do I begin? (From a son in Black Earth)

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On December 11, 2013

Jean Mueller

Learning to deal with the effects of Alzheimer’s

Q: My parents are in their late 70s and live in a rural community close by.

There are several siblings all involved in supporting mom and dad and we are all on the same page with regard to keeping them happy and living in their own home.

Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease about two years ago and mom has taken on more and more responsibility for the day-to-day household management.

Generally speaking, they are doing as well as could be expected and the family is always ready to help.

The problems is that one of my dad’s “hobbies” was to gamble. It was never anything extreme. Twice a month mom and dad would go to one of the casinos and he would gamble a certain amount of money.

It never got out of hand until recently. They still like to go because it is something they can do together but the last time they went he would not stop gambling. Mom had a very difficult time getting him out of there. He lost over $200. Mom was frightened and did not know what to do without causing a scene. She finally got him to leave by telling him they had to get back home because someone was coming for dinner. It really frightened her and she does not want to go back.

Dad is already asking to go back to the casino. Is there any safe way he could still do this without risking a behavioral melt-down and losing their savings? (from a son in Sun Prairie.)

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On November 20, 2013

Jean Mueller

Holiday traditions sometimes need to be changed

Q: This is my least favorite time of year. I want to look forward to the holidays, but I dread them.

It just brings up memories of the gatherings we used to have but no longer can. My parents are still living, but dad has a type of dementia and mom has a bad heart along with many other medical conditions. They are now in an assisted living facility.

My siblings all make it a point to come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but honestly it causes so much stress I wonder if it is worth it. It is just not the same and I think it makes mom feel bad that she can no longer host the traditional gathering.

My siblings are very set in their ways and don’t want to give up the appearance of a happy family celebration, even though it is far from happy for any of us.

How can I help my family realize we need to change the way we celebrate these holidays? (from a daughter in Cross Plains).

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On October 24, 2013

Jean Mueller

Helping a person through grief can be challenging

Q: I am trying to respect my father’s choices but it is so hard.

We lost my mother last year so he is alone. Since her death he refuses to think about moving to a smaller home or apartment even though he can barely keep up with things.

He is alone much of the time and will not accept help from friends, family, church, or anyone else.

He says he is not depressed but he certainly does not act like he is ready to move on. Is there anything I can do? (From a son in Deerfield).

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On September 19, 2013

Jean Mueller

Keeping seniors safe in their homes

Q: I feel as though I am at an impasse with my parents. They are both in frail health — heart disease, arthritis, difficulty getting around, breathing problems — I could go on forever.

They live in a large two story home with the bedrooms and one bathroom upstairs. Neither one of them can climb stairs very well.

It is not the best setting for them in my opinion. I worry about them and try to check on them as often as possible but frankly I can’t get over there all the time. They are not asking for help — I just don’t want to walk in and find a disaster some day.

They will not spend any money on repairs or updates to make living there easier and they will not even consider moving to a more accessible or supportive living environment. Do I just let them stay and risk injury or is there a way I can force the subject? (From a son in Waunakee).

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On August 22, 2013

Jean Mueller

Recognizing depression affecting a senior citizen

Q: Both of my parents are alive, and in their late 80s. They have some physical health issues, nothing major, and I am grateful that they are still mobile and able to live independently.

My issue is with my dad’s emotional health. He sleeps almost all day. He gets up to eat and then returns to bed or to his chair and naps. He has lost interest in gardening, helping around the house, and doesn’t even seem to want to go out or do anything.

My mother feels it is just his age and doesn’t expect him to help with anything. She does not want to force the issue. I say he is depressed but my mom doesn’t want to do anything about it. It is sad to see him sleeping away — should we force him to see a doctor? (From a son in Monona.)

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On July 18, 2013

Jean Mueller

Resource centers can help seniors in need

Q: My mother, living in a northern community, really needs some in-home help. She struggles with making meals, no longer drives, and has problems getting in the bathtub, among other things. Wouldn’t Medicare help her pay for some of these services — to keep her out of a nursing home? It would seem like money well spent in my mind. (From a daughter in Blue Mounds).

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On June 20, 2013

Jean Mueller

Family caregiving: The division of labor

Q: This question may have been raised before, but I need to ask again. We are a family of four brothers all helping our 90-year-old mother and developmentally delayed sister. We had to place our mother in a nursing home a year ago due to physical issues. One brother lives out of state so we keep him updated by phone and naturally don’t expect any physical help from him. The rest of us live near each other and share the responsibilities, with the exception of one brother. We ask him to do a very specific task and he can never seem to follow through. There is always some kind of lame excuse. Sometimes I think he does this on purpose to get out of helping. This is getting very old. Do you have any suggestions? (A son in Barneveld).

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On May 13, 2013

Jean Mueller

Is incontinence normal with age?

Q: This is a very hard question to ask, but here goes. I have been helping my mom for the past couple of years. So far it has been house cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping — that kind of help. Lately I have noticed a strong smell of urine on her. I also notice it when I do her laundry and I think she is having problems with incontinence. I asked her if she had problems getting to the bathroom on time and she shrugged it off saying, “You have to expect that kind of thing when you are my age.” She is in pretty decent health for her age (86) so I don’t want to push this, but is it normal to lose some bladder control as you age? (From a daughter in Lodi).

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On April 18, 2013

Jean Mueller

Keeping the conversation ‘upbeat’

Q: A recent visit to a relative in a nursing home left me feeling very frustrated. My mother-in-law only wanted to complain about everything. This included everything from “I’m sure I have cancer,” to “my roommate leaves her television on all day,” and ending with “I think that infection is coming back.” You get the picture. It doesn’t make for a pleasant visit and I end up feeling as though my visits are an opportunity for a complaint session. I leave feeling less motivated to visit. Any suggestions? (From a daughter-in-law in Madison)