Category: Ask Jean

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Jean Mueller

Checking on parents during extended holiday visit

Q My husband and I are traveling to his parents’ home for the Christmas holiday. We are not sure what to expect. His parents are both in their mid-80s and we have not seen them for several months as we live on the East Coast.

My husband is an only child so we rely mostly on phone calls with his parents to inform us of their well-being. Each time we speak they assure us they are fine but it seems that our conversations have become less detailed. We have also noticed that they often repeat the same information during our conversations.

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Jean Mueller

Family should be given opportunity to help

Q My father-in-law recently experienced some health concerns.

As a family member I wanted to offer support and assist in any way I could. I offered to sit with my mother-in-law as she spent endless hours in the hospital, bring a meal over, or help with some chores around the house.

It is not that my offers were ignored, my mother-in-law just politely said, “Thank you so much for the offer, but I am fine.”

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Jean Mueller

Showing respect for others despite their ‘age’

Q I am an “older woman” who has worked hard, raised a family, and valued my education. I feel I have lived a good life.

My issue is that when I am out tending to my own business, some individuals will call me “honey,” “dear,” or “sweetie.”

They may hold a door open for me, they may pick up something that I have dropped, or perhaps offer some other gesture they consider to be helpful.

It is not that I don’t appreciate kindness as I think they are trying to be helpful, but I find this somewhat demeaning. They don’t know my capabilities or how I prefer to be addressed.

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Jean Mueller

Navigating a complicated health system

Q I am trying to be an advocate for my mother who has some health issues and I feel as though we are getting lost in this complicated health care system.

I have permission to be with her during the frequent visits to the numerous specialists she must see. It seems when I bring up a concern, all we get is another series of tests, a trial for a different medication, or a referral to yet another specialist.

My mother does not want to keep seeing new physicians and repeating the same information all over again. She does not understand all of this “fussing” and would just like to be comfortable.

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Jean Mueller

Advising senior parents about housing decisions

Question: I think this may have come up before, but I am wondering if there are some guidelines for choosing where to move when being at home is no longer an option.

My father is ready to move out of the family home. He admits he cannot keep up with maintenance and chores and since my mother passed away, he feels he is just occupying an empty space.

My siblings and I are so grateful he feels this way and want to support him as best we can. He does have some health issues and we have wondered if he is depressed or if he might have some memory issues because of some things he has been forgetting.

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Jean Mueller

Alleviating concerns of adult children

I know most of the time children are writing in to you to ask questions about their aging parent. Well, this is the opposite.

I am a 79-year-old mother who is being “smothered” by my children. All of a sudden they think I can’t do anything on my own. They think I should stop driving and that I should sell my house; the list goes on and on.

My husband passed away several years ago and I have been just fine on my own. I feel I am in good health and really just want them to stop worrying about me. Do you have any suggestions? (From a mother in Portage)

You are obviously a very good parent and are so blessed to have such caring, concerned children. I know several others who would love to have this kind of attention from their children.

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Jean Mueller

Having an ‘adult’ conversation with a parent

I suddenly feel as though I cannot communicate with my father.

Our conversations have become more like a parent-child check-in rather than a pleasant visit. What I mean by that is I feel as though I am taking on a more parental role in our relationship.

My dad lives alone and has some chronic health conditions but nothing too serious. Lately my visits have become focused on whether or not he took his medications, or if he has eaten, or when he last did.

I want dad to be safe and happy but I don’t want to be the person drawing attention to all of the things he is not doing to care for himself.

Is this typical of aging parents? I have no siblings and most of my other relatives live far away.

(From a daughter in Baraboo.)

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Jean Mueller

Dealing with grief is different for each individual

Q A family member passed recently and although it was after a long illness, I am surprised and a little disappointed with the reactions of some relatives.

This was a much loved individual and her loss leaves a great hole in our hearts.

Some relatives want to plan a vacation to “honor” her while others are encouraging her husband to get back out there and begin another relationship; because “that is what she would want.”

Maybe this is really old- fashioned, but I think after something like this happens, the person deserves a time of reflection and respect. Am I wrong?

(From a sister-in-law in Darlington).

A Everyone grieves in their own way. There is no recipe for a healthy method of adjusting to a loss.

Even if you grieve in a way that you feel honors the person, you may revisit those feelings frequently.

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Jean Mueller

Home modifications necessary for safety

Q We lost my mom a few months ago and although my dad has been managing better than I expected on his own, I wonder if there are any home improvement tips or modifications that would make living alone easier for him?

The home is a small two-story and he stays on the first floor which has all the essential living spaces: kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, and living room.

Since I am an only child and live over two hours away from him, I don’t want to overlook anything that might help him stay independent. He has low vision and has had one hip replaced but other than that is in good health.

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